ARMONK, NY – IBM research labs today announced a breakthrough in the discovery of a new integer. The as-yet unnamed number has been positively located between seven and eight. Seven and eight had been thought to be consecutive for many years.

Early responses from IBM scientists indicate that there is going to be a lot of trouble caused by this discovery, and many fields are going to feel the impact. Some of the implications immediately noted include:

• A whole lot of numbers we thought were odd are, in fact, even.
• All those big primes on which we based all our encryption schemes are not prime at all.
• What do we call an octet now?

It appears that there is no corresponding negative integer, although there are still many groups who continue to look for new integers.

Historical Note: This is the first time in more than at least 175 years (probably a lot more) that a new integer has been found. There is no indication that the Romans knew of this number, they appear to have believed, curiously enough, that VIII followed VII!

IBM has not yet named this new integer pending application for international patent rights to this number. The implications of the granting of patent rights have created quite a stir among attorneys.

Today, Microsoft founder Bill Gates is entering retirement, signaling the end of an era for the corporation that brought us the Windows operating system. Through the years, Gates has been a veritable icon for the technology industry as his company helped usher the personal computer into a new, graphical-interfaced world.

It was in 1975 that Gates launched the company that would become the biggest name in computer software. His exit today has many wondering what the 52-year-old billionaire will do with his time.

The computer impresario, who revolutionized how the world uses PCs, says he’s looking forward to put his time into his real love, board games. He has wasted no time in his transition from Microsoft CEO to board game hawker with the introduction of Microsoft Monopoly. Watch the following infomercial as Mr. Gates introduced his new, innovative game:

Mountain View, CA — Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against the island of Java* over the use of Sun’s Java* trademark.

Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said “Yeah, and in all that time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the name.”

Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise. The country finally settled on a symbol for a name — a neatly-colored coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as “The Island Formerly Known As Java*”.

The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.

Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal papers for them…

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*Java is a Trademark of Sun Microsystems, Inc. Anyone caught using the  trademark without permission will be beaten, flogged, sued, and forced  to use Microsoft products.

Rochester MN - With the recent news of IBM’s intent to acquire the Nintendo Corporation it was further annouced today another joint development effort between IBM and Nintendo. IBM is announcing the Network Boy, a small handheld device that communicates with your IBMii, System i  or AS/400 network via RF and allows the user to navigate the network using four simple buttons. It has a small display screen that sports a mini-GUI and runs the Mario/OS operating system. The advantages are simplicity, low cost, and zero training for the younger generation of users.

Washington DC -  Not long ago we all went through the Year 2000 crisis. If you were in the computer and software industry you recall the many headaches in converting and changing databases and software so the Year 2000 would be a smooth rollover. No one thought 20 years earlier that their software would still be around, but it was and the two digit year fields caused big problems.

Well, how do we know our software isn’t going to be around for the year 10,000? All our 4 digit year fields will have to be converted to 5 digit fields. It’s never too early to start planning for this major event.

What happens when the year 10,000 hits? Can your systems handle a year of 0000? Most systems will crash and burn if left unchanged. The task of converting every date and changing every program that uses date logic is huge. This is one project that has a deadline set in stone! It can’t be moved or missed! You need to start now in planning for the Year 10,000 Crisis.

Rochester, MN - As you know, IBM is a politically correct and an environmentally conscious company. Because of the success of the new System i and i on Power systems there has been a growing surplus of the old model AS/400s. With the concerns of overburdened landfills and in this age of recycling and protecting our environment, IBM has announced a new program for recycling these older AS/400s. The program is called RECYCLE/400. For a minimal fee IBM will take your old AS/400 and convert it to a useful product. You can choose from the following list:

1. Boat anchor
2. Coffin
3. Stereo component system rack
4. Gun cabinet
5. Security vault
6. Carnival fund raiser (10 wacks with a sledge hammer for $1)
7. Aquarium
8. Gym locker
9. Refrigerator
10. Shipping container for foreign aid
11. Slot machine
12. Rabbit cage
13. Planter box
14. Commercial oven (for bakery or pizza joint)
15. Hot dog vendor cart
16. Home shop work bench
17. Military practice target
18. Softdrink vending machine
19. Phone booth
20. Billiard table
21. Utility trailer
22. Retaining wall
23. Sauna
24. Wood burning stove
25. Tanning booth
26. Portable toilet
27. Garbage dumpster
28. Outdoor barbecue grill
29. Highway crash barrier

Contact your local IBM representative for details of this program.

Chicago, IL – COMMON user group president Randy Dufault has expressed concern at the increasingly low quality of people joining COMMON. He has decided to implement a new entrance exam required for all new applicants for membership into the group in hopes to weed out the undesirable. The exam questions are as follows:

1. What is twice the half of 1 3/7?
2. How many cubic feet of earth are there in a hole measuring 3’wide by 4’ long by 5’ deep?
3. Do you know how long cows should be milked?
4. Where was Queen Cleopatra’s temple?
5. In what month do Americans eat the least?
6. How many marbles can you put in an empty bag?
7. The produce manager at the local supermarket stands 6’ tall, has a 46” chest and wears size 13 shoes. What do you think he weighs?
8. If a duck came paddling down the Nile, where would it have come from?
9. How long will a seven-day grandfather clock run without winding?

Answers:

1. 1 3/7
2. There is no earth in a hole.
3. The same way that short cows are milked.
4. On the side of her forehead.
5. February; it has fewer days
6. One; after that it is not empty.
7. Apples, pears, potatoes, bananas, etc.
8. An egg.
9. Without winding it will run for no time at all.

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the announcement of the AS/400. Happy Birthday to an amazing computer system that continues to power thousands of businesses around the globe. The date was June 21st, 1988, when IBM introduced the Application System/400 (AS/400). The AS/400 quickly became one of the world’s most popular business computing systems. By 1997, IBM had shipped nearly a half-million AS/400s. Despite its several name changes, the current IBM i carries on the same legacy that began with the original AS/400. Long live the AS/400!

ARMONK, NY - Samuel J. Palmisano let the cat out of the bag at the recent Annual IBM Stockholders Meeting held in Knoxville, Tennessee. He announced that IBM is in the process of acquiring Nintendo Corporation. In an attempt to shake the reputation that IBM sells old technology and to lure the younger generation to IBM products, IBM plans to merge the System i, the System p, and the Wii gaming console into a single product. Since each system already uses the PowerPC processor Mr. Palmisano said it was a no-brainer. The new product will be named the IBMii.

Power = i + p + wii

IBM Power Systems unifies IBM’s highly successful integrated platform, IBM System i™, with its fast growing UNIX operating system platform, IBM System p™ and with the wildly popular Nintendo Wii platform. Now you can take advantage of this single platform for all of your Wii, UNIX, Linux and i applications, with mission-critical virtualization provided by PowerVM™.

Mr. Palmisano remarked, “To truly understand how IBMii revolutionizes computing, you have to try it for yourself. Quite simply, IBMii is for everyone. The ease of use and interactivity of the IBMii Remote and Nunchuk allows for a unique social computing experience for the whole family. You don’t just play IBMii, you experience it. Taking a cue from the power equation in physics — where power equals the time rate of doing work with the time waste of doing play!”

Glendale, CA - Cocoa is a hot new programming language developed by Nestle Microsystems. The language was originally designed for programming hot chocolate machines but Nestle soon realized that the language had the potential to do much more. Because it is “architecture neutral” it can run on any device with a microchip including PCs, the System i, Cray computers, Coke machines, Timex watches, car stereos, TVs, DVD players, mobile phones and microwave ovens. You can literally surf the net and bake a potato at the same time! With the Cocoa Virtual Machine (CVM) on the System i it can run all Cocoa applets. Applets can be created using Visual Cocoa from Microsoft or VisualAge for Cocoa from IBM.