There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and an RPG programmer sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam’s rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The RPG programmer leaned back in his chair, and with a sly smile responded, “Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?”

A pretty cool video. If you can figure out what it’s about then you win the prize!

(Note: The AS/400 Geek originally wrote this piece as an April Fools joke in April of 1997 for a local AS/400 user group newsletter. Notice how close this humorous article has become reality. The text is exactly as published in 1997.)

When IBM recently announced that it was moving its Austin, Texas-based RS/6000 assembly operations to its 3.7 million square foot facility in Rochester, Minnesota, the same production line the AS/400 is built on, rumors flew about what this move meant. IBM publicly denied any convergence of the two machines and that the move was simply to consolidate manufacturing. But sources inside Rochester have confirmed there are AS/6000 machines running inside the IBM lab with the intent to produce them in the near future.

Because of recent advances in technology with the AS/400 and RS/6000, they both have PowerPC RISC processors and share the same DASD and tape subsystems. It finally became evident that the only difference between the two machines was the operating system.

The new AS/6000 will sport a new operating system named OS/6000 which can emulate either AIX or OS/400. When running in AIX mode the system requires 6 or 7 operators, a network manager, a security engineer, a database manager and four C programmers. When running in OS/400 mode the system requires a dark cool room to run in but may need a janitor or errand boy to change the backup tapes once in a while.

IBM cuts back on it’s advertising budget:

Dear AS/400 Geek,

The percent of used disk space on my iSeries keeps creeping higher and higher. Is there a simple way I can clean up my disk drives to reduce this percent?

A: Yes, the system has a very simple command that will significantly reduce the amount of disk storage used. An example of the command is:

CLRLIB LIB(*ALL)

This command may take a while to process but gives you a real bang for the buck. It will free up a great deal of storage space on your system’s hard drives. Have a nice day!

Okay, you want cheesy IBM i stuff, you’ve come to the right place. Here is a video loaded with cheese:

Kenya, Africa – M’wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire’s Bantu tribe, used an IBM System i hard disk drive yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful disk drive.

“I could not crush the nut by myself,” said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. “With IBM’s help, I was able to break it.” Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking disk drive yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese school children, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the hard drive, which he believed would serve well as a “smashing” utensil. Read the rest of this entry »

Another classic IBM commercial. What makes it even funnier is that it’s so true! Enjoy:

So true, so true!

Three Microsoft software engineers and three IBM software engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three IBM software engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Microsoft software engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the IBM programmers.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Microsoft programmer.

They all board the train. The IBM software engineers take their respective seats but all three Microsoft software engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The IBM software engineers witness all this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the IBMers decide to copy the Microsofties on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Microsoft programmers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one of the perplexed IBM employees.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the Microsoft programmers.
When they board the train the three IBM programmers cram into the first restroom they can. The three Microsoft programmers pile into another one nearby. Shortly thereafter, the train leaves the station.

After a brief interval, one of the Microsoft software engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the IBM programmers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”

As much as I like to make fun of IBM and the Midrange world, I know that the AS/400 (System i or whatever you want to call it) is the best machine on the planet, having used it for 20 years without so much as a hiccup. Here is a great IBM commercial that illustrates how I feel:

If you like that one, you will love this one:

Warning Notice M.U.D-1

On the 22nd of June, 2008 the computing world was rocked by the horror of a new computer-originated illness and the life it claimed. Eldred Squires, a 26 year old Operator/Administrator at a major California Chemical Company was the first victim. At approximately 9:03 am, Squires logged into his personal account and sent some email to a friend at a remote site. Logging out, he then proceeded to log into the operator account to clean up some problematic printing queues. Following this, he logged out and logged into a test account to check that his print queues were accepting data from normal users. Finding that all was well, he logged out then logged into the root account to create a new username to receive helpdesk mail, not realizing the mortal danger he was in. Wanting to test this new username, he logged out from root and proceeded to login to his new account. Barely three letters into his twelve letter alphanumeric password, he slumped forward across his keyboard, dead.

Investigators, on arriving at the scene could find no reason for his death and elected to wait for further information from the outcome of the Autopsy.

The Autopsy revealed that the victim’s cerebral cortex suffered damage consistent with heating of the brain to approximately 120 degrees Celsius. Still no nearer to the solution of the death, Computer and Workplace Safety Officers decided to recreate, using accounting logs and user audits, the circumstances leading up to the tragedy. Shielding the testing officer from the equipment with leaded glass, the team commenced their tests. Within five minutes, another victim lay sprawled across the keyboard, a fine patina of sweat on their brow. Read the rest of this entry »

Washington DC – The AS/400 Geek, the creator of Mid-Deranged.Com, was recently kidnapped by masked gunmen. The kidnappers reportedly stormed Mr. Geek’s home and forced him to close down the Mid-Deranged.Com web site, then took him to an unknown location where he was held against his will.

Millions of fans gasped when they clicked on their favorite website and found it gone. A public outcry was heard to return the AS/400 Geek and his website.

Only after a daring escape was the AS/400 Geek able to return to freedom and pursue his warped pastime of poking fun of IBM and the AS/400. In a statement from the AS/400 Geek, he mentioned that he only got a glimpse of his captors and that they were wearing blue suits. There are few other leads for the police to go on.

The AS/400 Geek vows to rebuild the web site and defend his right to tell it like it really is.

A friend recently asked me what training it takes to work with the IBM AS/400. I gave a brief answer mentioning some college courses, some on-the-job training, and a long time in the school of hard knocks. But upon reflection, I realize that most of my training in the fundamental concepts of the AS/400 came from my mother.

When I was a baby, mother taught me about input buffering: “Don’t try to stuff all your food in your mouth at once. Leave it on your plate until you’re ready to eat it, and then take it in one mouthful at a time.”

She also taught me about processing the entire input buffer before going on to the next step: “Eat everything on your plate. Then you can have dessert.”

(It will occur to some readers that mother also taught me about output buffering, but I’d like to keep these meditations G-rated.)

When I was about 14, mother introduced the basic concept of CL (Control Language) programming in a note on the refrigerator door: “We’re going to have dinner at 6:00. You make it when you get home from school. The menu is pinned up on the bulletin board, the meat is in the refrigerator, and I’ve put the rest of the food out on the counter. Set an extra place – Uncle Jack is coming tonight.” Read the rest of this entry »

Dear AS/400 Geek,

How do I install software on my PC:

Answer: Follow these simple steps:

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
3.5 GHz Processor or Higher
Microsoft Windows Vista, Windows XP Professional or DOS 5.0
719.7 Terabytes of Free Disk Space
3,546 MB RAM
25,345 x 4,563 SVGA Display Adapter
with 256 MB Memory and True Color
Mouse, Trackball, Light Saber or other pointing device
CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, Blu-ray, Sting-ray, Gamma-ray or other ridiculously expensive media drive
Antilock Braking System
2 Turtle Doves
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a CD-ROM or DVD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:

“By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn’s early light,… finders keepers, losers weepers, …”

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.” Read the rest of this entry »