VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, Microsoft Corporation and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while Microsoft senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.

“We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.”

Through the Microsoft Network, the company’s new on-line service, “We will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time” and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. “You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution - even reduce your time in Purgatory - all without leaving your home.”

The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Bible. “The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take the parting of the Red Sea - we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.” But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan.

Gates described Microsoft’s long-term strategy to develop a scaleable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired. “One religion, a couple of different implementations,” said Gates.

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