HOUSTON, TX – Scientists rejoiced on Friday after learning NASA’s Phoenix Lander photographed what appeared to be evidence of life on Mars. At first inspection of the photo there seemed to be nothing remarkable about it.

However, when magnified several times, it became clear there was something more than just rocks and sand on the Martian surface.

Peter Smith, the University of Arizona researcher who leads the Phoenix mission’s science team, announced late Saturday that colleagues were convinced that the apparent life forms were trying to communicate with the Phoenix Lander, although at this time it is only speculation.

“To me personally, it was such a thrill to find such strong evidence of life. I was disappointed at the references to the IBM i, since I am a Unix man myself. Still, I’m just sitting on the edge of my chair waiting to see what the Phoenix Lander will reveal to us next.”

In the weeks ahead, the spacecraft will attempt an unprecedented examination of the apparent life forms. Those findings may reveal evidence of extensive Martian life and even the possibility of intelligence.

ARMONK, NY – IBM research labs today announced a breakthrough in the discovery of a new integer. The as-yet unnamed number has been positively located between seven and eight. Seven and eight had been thought to be consecutive for many years.

Early responses from IBM scientists indicate that there is going to be a lot of trouble caused by this discovery, and many fields are going to feel the impact. Some of the implications immediately noted include:

• A whole lot of numbers we thought were odd are, in fact, even.
• All those big primes on which we based all our encryption schemes are not prime at all.
• What do we call an octet now?

It appears that there is no corresponding negative integer, although there are still many groups who continue to look for new integers.

Historical Note: This is the first time in more than at least 175 years (probably a lot more) that a new integer has been found. There is no indication that the Romans knew of this number, they appear to have believed, curiously enough, that VIII followed VII!

IBM has not yet named this new integer pending application for international patent rights to this number. The implications of the granting of patent rights have created quite a stir among attorneys.

Rochester MN – With the recent news of IBM’s intent to acquire the Nintendo Corporation it was further annouced today another joint development effort between IBM and Nintendo. IBM is announcing the Network Boy, a small handheld device that communicates with your IBMii, System i  or AS/400 network via RF and allows the user to navigate the network using four simple buttons. It has a small display screen that sports a mini-GUI and runs the Mario/OS operating system. The advantages are simplicity, low cost, and zero training for the younger generation of users.

Chicago, IL – COMMON user group president Randy Dufault has expressed concern at the increasingly low quality of people joining COMMON. He has decided to implement a new entrance exam required for all new applicants for membership into the group in hopes to weed out the undesirable. The exam questions are as follows:

1. What is twice the half of 1 3/7?
2. How many cubic feet of earth are there in a hole measuring 3’wide by 4’ long by 5’ deep?
3. Do you know how long cows should be milked?
4. Where was Queen Cleopatra’s temple?
5. In what month do Americans eat the least?
6. How many marbles can you put in an empty bag?
7. The produce manager at the local supermarket stands 6’ tall, has a 46” chest and wears size 13 shoes. What do you think he weighs?
8. If a duck came paddling down the Nile, where would it have come from?
9. How long will a seven-day grandfather clock run without winding?

Answers:

1. 1 3/7
2. There is no earth in a hole.
3. The same way that short cows are milked.
4. On the side of her forehead.
5. February; it has fewer days
6. One; after that it is not empty.
7. Apples, pears, potatoes, bananas, etc.
8. An egg.
9. Without winding it will run for no time at all.

ARMONK, NY – Samuel J. Palmisano let the cat out of the bag at the recent Annual IBM Stockholders Meeting held in Knoxville, Tennessee. He announced that IBM is in the process of acquiring Nintendo Corporation. In an attempt to shake the reputation that IBM sells old technology and to lure the younger generation to IBM products, IBM plans to merge the System i, the System p, and the Wii gaming console into a single product. Since each system already uses the PowerPC processor Mr. Palmisano said it was a no-brainer. The new product will be named the IBMii.

Power = i + p + wii

IBM Power Systems unifies IBM’s highly successful integrated platform, IBM System i™, with its fast growing UNIX operating system platform, IBM System p™ and with the wildly popular Nintendo Wii platform. Now you can take advantage of this single platform for all of your Wii, UNIX, Linux and i applications, with mission-critical virtualization provided by PowerVM™.

Mr. Palmisano remarked, “To truly understand how IBMii revolutionizes computing, you have to try it for yourself. Quite simply, IBMii is for everyone. The ease of use and interactivity of the IBMii Remote and Nunchuk allows for a unique social computing experience for the whole family. You don’t just play IBMii, you experience it. Taking a cue from the power equation in physics — where power equals the time rate of doing work with the time waste of doing play!”