It’s a New World Order. Choose your platform. Choose wisely.

(Click photo to enlarge)

A friend recently asked me what training it takes to work with the IBM AS/400. I gave a brief answer mentioning some college courses, some on-the-job training, and a long time in the school of hard knocks. But upon reflection, I realize that most of my training in the fundamental concepts of the AS/400 came from my mother.

When I was a baby, mother taught me about input buffering: “Don’t try to stuff all your food in your mouth at once. Leave it on your plate until you’re ready to eat it, and then take it in one mouthful at a time.”

She also taught me about processing the entire input buffer before going on to the next step: “Eat everything on your plate. Then you can have dessert.”

(It will occur to some readers that mother also taught me about output buffering, but I’d like to keep these meditations G-rated.)

When I was about 14, mother introduced the basic concept of CL (Control Language) programming in a note on the refrigerator door: “We’re going to have dinner at 6:00. You make it when you get home from school. The menu is pinned up on the bulletin board, the meat is in the refrigerator, and I’ve put the rest of the food out on the counter. Set an extra place - Uncle Jack is coming tonight.” Read the rest of this entry »

Dear AS/400 Geek,

How do I install software on my PC:

Answer: Follow these simple steps:

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
3.5 GHz Processor or Higher
Microsoft Windows Vista, Windows XP Professional or DOS 5.0
719.7 Terabytes of Free Disk Space
3,546 MB RAM
25,345 x 4,563 SVGA Display Adapter
with 256 MB Memory and True Color
Mouse, Trackball, Light Saber or other pointing device
CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, Blu-ray, Sting-ray, Gamma-ray or other ridiculously expensive media drive
Antilock Braking System
2 Turtle Doves
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a CD-ROM or DVD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:

“By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn’s early light,… finders keepers, losers weepers, …”

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.” Read the rest of this entry »

Our last post of computer terms was so successful that we felt the need to give you more. This time with a graphical representation of what the terms mean.

Bug: A cute little humorous term used to explain why the computer had your Shipping Department send 150 highly sophisticated jet-fighter servo motors, worth over $26,000 apiece, to fishermen in the Ryuku Islands, who are using them as anchors.

Graphics: The ability to make pie charts and bar graphs, which are the universal business method for making abstract concepts, such as “three,” comprehensible to morons like your boss.

Hardware: Where the people in your company’s software support section will tell you the problem is.

Software: Where the people in your company’s hardware support section will tell you the problem is.

Spreadsheet: A kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat “what if” questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.

User: The word that computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”