Teaching Math in 1950: “A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?”

Teaching Math in 1960 (Traditional Math): “A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price; in other words, $80. What is his profit?”

Teaching Math in 1970 (New Math): “A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make one hundred dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?”

Teaching Math in 1980: “A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.”

Teaching Math in 1990 (Outcome Based Education): “By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation; How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)”

Teaching Math in 2000: “By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.”

Teaching Math In 2010: “El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es………….” :-\

Rochester MN – The new IBM Power™ 995 server is the most powerful server ever offered by the IBM Galactic Empire. This server provides out-of-this-world performance with massive scalability. The Power 995 is by far the most remarkable technological product of the IBM Galactic Empire. It is a brutal and awesome culmination of engineering and science of a galaxy-spanning organization. With unrivaled power, it can perform an infinite loop in under 4-seconds and requires two HALT instructions to stop it.

It was designed to help enterprises, governments and empires deploy the most cost effective and flexible IT infrastructure while achieving the industry’s best application performance. As the most powerful member of the IBM Power™ Systems family, this server provides exceptional performance and massive scalability. It’s full range of complex, mission-critical applications include:

• Large-scale transaction processing
• Massive-scale server consolidation
• Ultra-high bandwidth communications
• Super-advanced data mining and warehousing
• Small planetary systems destruction

At 900 km (550 miles) in diameter, the IBM Power 995 must be deployed in a low-earth orbit and requires a 12-year lead time before orders of this product become operational.

Equipped with ultra-high frequency IBM POWER9™ processors in up to 1000-core, multiprocessing (SMP) configurations, the Power 995 server can scale rapidly and seamlessly to address the changing needs of today’s empires. It can seamlessly consolidate millions of UNIX®, IBM i (formerly known as i5/OS®) and Linux® application workloads onto a single system.

Powered by an array of 12 nuclear reactors generating up to 25 gigawatts of power, the IBM Power 995 can run continuously for 97 years.

With extraordinary power, proven IBM technology and expansive growth potential, the Power 995 server is ready to take your empire to the next level. Contact your local IBM representative today to place your order!

Luxor, Egypt – An Egyptian-Dutch team unearthed a hall in a tomb at Zira Abu al-Naga, on the Westbank at Luxor. The tomb was thought to be another burial site because of its proximity to the tomb of Tutankhamun. However, upon entering the tomb, the discovery of a lifetime was made – an ancient data center, most likely used for the administration of King Tut’s royal society. Most astonishing was how well the data center was preserved with the main AS/400 server still intact. Most Egyptologist have agreed that the Egyptian culture was very advanced, but no one dreamed they had this kind of technology. It is now much easier to understand how the Ancient Egyptians dug their tombs and built their temples.

In an exclusive interview with Mid-Deranged, SCA chief Zahi Hawass, the world’s most renowned Egyptologist, offered the following perspective: “Why is this discovery important? Because it answers so many questions of how the Egyptians were able to do what they have done. Everyone thought the Egyptians had some kind of magical power and now we find this data center in the Valley of the Kings. It was found seven meters away from King Tut! This area has been excavated before and yet we missed this site. What a discovery. So many things about the Egyptian civilization now make sense.”

Otto Schaden, leader of the team that uncovered the find, generally agrees with Hawass’ assessment. Standing in front of the site, Schaden told Mid-Deranged, “For all we know, there may be a S/370 buried here. Who knows? You can speculate endlessly.”

The find will be studied for some time before before all the answers are known. One of the most fortunate discoveries that will help in the research is the fact that the ancient AS/400 fired right up when power was applied to it. Data retrieval is currently underway. Hopefully preliminary results will be available soon.

Armonk NY – Early photos of the prototype version of the famed Batmobile have revealed the real manufacturer as none other than IBM. Who else could pull off making a car with heavy armor plating, a high performance engine, rocket boosters and a weapons system controlled by an IBM Bladecenter running the IBM i operating system?

The Batmobile is depicted in the 2005 film Batman Begins and the 2008 film Batman: The Dark Knight. The film’s production designer described the machine as being a cross between a Lamborghini, a Hummer and an IBM System i.

HOUSTON, TX – Scientists rejoiced on Friday after learning NASA’s Phoenix Lander photographed what appeared to be evidence of life on Mars. At first inspection of the photo there seemed to be nothing remarkable about it.

However, when magnified several times, it became clear there was something more than just rocks and sand on the Martian surface.

Peter Smith, the University of Arizona researcher who leads the Phoenix mission’s science team, announced late Saturday that colleagues were convinced that the apparent life forms were trying to communicate with the Phoenix Lander, although at this time it is only speculation.

“To me personally, it was such a thrill to find such strong evidence of life. I was disappointed at the references to the IBM i, since I am a Unix man myself. Still, I’m just sitting on the edge of my chair waiting to see what the Phoenix Lander will reveal to us next.”

In the weeks ahead, the spacecraft will attempt an unprecedented examination of the apparent life forms. Those findings may reveal evidence of extensive Martian life and even the possibility of intelligence.

ARMONK, NY – IBM research labs today announced a breakthrough in the discovery of a new integer. The as-yet unnamed number has been positively located between seven and eight. Seven and eight had been thought to be consecutive for many years.

Early responses from IBM scientists indicate that there is going to be a lot of trouble caused by this discovery, and many fields are going to feel the impact. Some of the implications immediately noted include:

• A whole lot of numbers we thought were odd are, in fact, even.
• All those big primes on which we based all our encryption schemes are not prime at all.
• What do we call an octet now?

It appears that there is no corresponding negative integer, although there are still many groups who continue to look for new integers.

Historical Note: This is the first time in more than at least 175 years (probably a lot more) that a new integer has been found. There is no indication that the Romans knew of this number, they appear to have believed, curiously enough, that VIII followed VII!

IBM has not yet named this new integer pending application for international patent rights to this number. The implications of the granting of patent rights have created quite a stir among attorneys.

Rochester MN – With the recent news of IBM’s intent to acquire the Nintendo Corporation it was further annouced today another joint development effort between IBM and Nintendo. IBM is announcing the Network Boy, a small handheld device that communicates with your IBMii, System i  or AS/400 network via RF and allows the user to navigate the network using four simple buttons. It has a small display screen that sports a mini-GUI and runs the Mario/OS operating system. The advantages are simplicity, low cost, and zero training for the younger generation of users.

Chicago, IL – COMMON user group president Randy Dufault has expressed concern at the increasingly low quality of people joining COMMON. He has decided to implement a new entrance exam required for all new applicants for membership into the group in hopes to weed out the undesirable. The exam questions are as follows:

1. What is twice the half of 1 3/7?
2. How many cubic feet of earth are there in a hole measuring 3’wide by 4’ long by 5’ deep?
3. Do you know how long cows should be milked?
4. Where was Queen Cleopatra’s temple?
5. In what month do Americans eat the least?
6. How many marbles can you put in an empty bag?
7. The produce manager at the local supermarket stands 6’ tall, has a 46” chest and wears size 13 shoes. What do you think he weighs?
8. If a duck came paddling down the Nile, where would it have come from?
9. How long will a seven-day grandfather clock run without winding?

Answers:

1. 1 3/7
2. There is no earth in a hole.
3. The same way that short cows are milked.
4. On the side of her forehead.
5. February; it has fewer days
6. One; after that it is not empty.
7. Apples, pears, potatoes, bananas, etc.
8. An egg.
9. Without winding it will run for no time at all.

ARMONK, NY – Samuel J. Palmisano let the cat out of the bag at the recent Annual IBM Stockholders Meeting held in Knoxville, Tennessee. He announced that IBM is in the process of acquiring Nintendo Corporation. In an attempt to shake the reputation that IBM sells old technology and to lure the younger generation to IBM products, IBM plans to merge the System i, the System p, and the Wii gaming console into a single product. Since each system already uses the PowerPC processor Mr. Palmisano said it was a no-brainer. The new product will be named the IBMii.

Power = i + p + wii

IBM Power Systems unifies IBM’s highly successful integrated platform, IBM System i™, with its fast growing UNIX operating system platform, IBM System p™ and with the wildly popular Nintendo Wii platform. Now you can take advantage of this single platform for all of your Wii, UNIX, Linux and i applications, with mission-critical virtualization provided by PowerVM™.

Mr. Palmisano remarked, “To truly understand how IBMii revolutionizes computing, you have to try it for yourself. Quite simply, IBMii is for everyone. The ease of use and interactivity of the IBMii Remote and Nunchuk allows for a unique social computing experience for the whole family. You don’t just play IBMii, you experience it. Taking a cue from the power equation in physics — where power equals the time rate of doing work with the time waste of doing play!”

Now you can get a single-board nuclear reactor that supplies stand-by power for the IBM System i for 12 years! The QBX-1 nuclear reactor card provides back-up power for up to 12 years. When the card senses a power failure, explosive charges (bolts) eject moderator and control rods from the reactor interior, within 20 mmsec, bringing the reactor to its fully-rated output of 20 KW, in less than one millisecond! Over its 12-year active life, the reactor’s power decreases by 25%, to 15 KW.

Integral heat fans provide convection cooling of the reactor’s 500W power dissipation while the reactor is in “stand-by” position. If your computer cannot furnish the 400 cubic feet per second of forced air for cooling, consider buying IBM’s heavy-water cooling jacket and stainless steel pump module, which fits conveniently next to your System i. Latches on each side of the reactor module let you quickly swap the radioactive core, should you need to replace it. An optional circular viewing port of lead glass lets you view the reactor’s internal assemblies, and also functions as a 10-million candlepower nightlight. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s a New World Order. Choose your platform. Choose wisely.

(Click photo to enlarge)

Rochester, MN – As you know, IBM is a politically correct and an environmentally conscious company. Because of the success of the new System i and i on Power systems there has been a growing surplus of the old model AS/400s. With the concerns of overburdened landfills and in this age of recycling and protecting our environment, IBM has announced a new program for recycling these older AS/400s. The program is called RECYCLE/400. For a minimal fee IBM will take your old AS/400 and convert it to a useful product. You can choose from the following list:

1. Boat anchor
2. Coffin
3. Stereo component system rack
4. Gun cabinet
5. Security vault
6. Carnival fund raiser (10 wacks with a sledge hammer for $1)
7. Aquarium
8. Gym locker
9. Refrigerator
10. Shipping container for foreign aid
11. Slot machine
12. Rabbit cage
13. Planter box
14. Commercial oven (for bakery or pizza joint)
15. Hot dog vendor cart
16. Home shop work bench
17. Military practice target
18. Softdrink vending machine
19. Phone booth
20. Billiard table
21. Utility trailer
22. Retaining wall
23. Sauna
24. Wood burning stove
25. Tanning booth
26. Portable toilet
27. Garbage dumpster
28. Outdoor barbecue grill
29. Highway crash barrier
30. Shop cabinet

Contact your local IBM representative for details of this program.

C would be Judaism – it’s old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can’t convert into it – you’re either into it from the start, or you will think that it’s insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity – it’s theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn’t feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it’s the best language in the world, but they’re willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it’s not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of “goto hell” was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam – It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It’s so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you’ll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.

C# would be Mormonism – At first glance, it’s the same as Java, but at a closer look you realize that it’s controlled by a single corporation (which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it’d probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn’t discriminate so much against you for following it.

Lisp would be Zen Buddhism – There is no syntax, there is no centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at your reach – if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that it’s not a language at all; others say that it’s the only language that makes sense.

Haskell would be Taoism – It is so different from other languages that many people don’t understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it’s the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

Erlang would be Hinduism – It’s another strange language that doesn’t look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern languages, it’s built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.

RPG would be Jehovah’s Witnesses – RPG programmers are of the elite 144,000 left in the world (because there are only 144,000 left in the world) and believe they are in the last days of the present world and lots of people make fun of them for their beliefs and rigid standards

COBOL would be Ancient Paganism – There was once a time when it ruled over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it’s almost dead, for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.

APL would be Scientology – There are many people who claim to follow it, but you’ve always suspected that it’s a huge and elaborate prank that got out of control.

Smalltalk is the ancient Egyptian religion – The Initiated know it already had all the important concepts working long ago and most popular modern languages are incomplete subsets of it that obsess over artificial restrictions of their own creation while entirely missing the reason their code exists in the first place.

Visual Basic would be Satanism – Except that you don’t REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist…

Pascal/Delphi is Church of England – Once having quite an extensive and radical following, it has since mellowed out a lot. These days its followers have mostly given up on converting the world to their point of view. It’s looked down at with some bemusement by some of the bigger languages that see themselves as more serious. It has trouble attracting young people.

Fortran would be the Amish faith - there’s a relatively small number of programmers that use it, they don’t try to proselytize others into using Fortran (perhaps knowing it’s futile), and if you weren’t born into it (that is, it wasn’t the first or second major programming language you learned) there’s about zero chance you’ll ever understand it (and if you do learn a little about it later in life, you’ll shake your head and wonder how anyone could adhere to it). And yet its adherents refuse to let it die.

Assembly is Prehistory Paganism – It is vague, mysterious, and there are many different versions. Most people are not even aware that it exists. Those who know only high level languages find it to be so simplistic that it’s like hanging the Mona Lisa next to a cave drawing.

Python would be Voodoo – An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on Friday night.

Lua would be Wicca – A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.

Ruby would be Neo-Paganism – A mixture of different languages and ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of harming anyone.

Perl would be Humanism – It’s simple, unrestrictive, and all you need to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved from the entire burden imposed by other languages, and that they have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a form of pseudo-code.

Binary is Marxism – It is hyper rational and perfectly efficient…in theory. But in practice it’s impossible to do. Anyone who tries to follow this creed will most likely lose their mind. However, it is founded on the fascinating idea that a thing and its antitheses can be combined to create something very powerful and much better.

HTML would be Atheism – It’s not really even a language, but many people think it is. It’s the absence of any code whatsoever. Plus, even though there are “suggestions” about what rules to follow, nobody really follows them. Morals are relative; code however you feel like, the browsers will still work.

(Keep in mind this list is a joke, and is not meant to offend anyone.)

Google in 1964:

Google in 2084:

This video highlights a recent event at the USC Film School, bringing together the Hollywood film community with top IBM scientists where they talk about how the world might be in the year 2050. IBM’s Tim Washer, with the mic, steals the show with his witty comments. Enjoy.

Note: The following are humorous (and sometimes serious) quotes gathered from the internet. Since it’s all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don’t even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you’ve been warned, enjoy.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. — Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. — Emo Philips

There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson

640K ought to be enough for anybody. — Bill Gates, 1981

Applying modern technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound the correct screw. — Author Unknown

As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the internet. — Vice President Al Gore to Katie Couric, March 1999

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. — Fred Dales, Microsoft, Redmond, Washington

Automation is a technological process that does all the work while you just sit there. When you were younger, this was called “Mother”. — Author Unknown

Backups? We don’t need to backup our hard drives. The Government has a copy of them. — Author Unknown

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. — Dave Barry

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up. — James Magary

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. — Popular Mechanics, 1949

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don’t need to be done. — Andy Rooney

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. — Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company Read the rest of this entry »

Dear AS/400 Geek,

I am a System i programmer with 1 year experience and I work for a large company with over 30 programmers.  I don’t seem to be taken seriously by my peers or my boss.  What can I do to enhance my career advancement opportunities within my company and to achieve credibility with the other programmers?

Answer: If you want others to feel that you are a “real” programmer and know what you are doing then you must look and act like a real programmer looks and acts.  Did you see the movie Jurassic Park?  The rogue programmer who caused all the trouble – now there is a real programmer.  First of all you need to make your programmer station look like his did.  Empty cans of Jolt Cola, old dinners, candy bars, Dorito bags and empty pizza cartons are a good start.  You want your boss to think you live at work and have no other social life.  You should also have clothes that are  wrinkled and ill-fitting, large eyeglasses, and messed up hair.  (See Bill Gates)  Having program listings and open manuals all over your desk helps and whatever you do, don’t document your software – very unprofessional.  When you speak to users use only computer terms they don’t know.  There are many other tips I could give but these should get you started on the road to success.  Good luck!

Washington DC (AP) — In a speech accepting his party’s nomination, John McCain pledged to wrest control of the Internet from its creator, Al Gore, and turn it into a “God-fearing, gun-filled, sexless, Republican Internet” if elected.

Speaking at the GOP national convention, McCain also promised to introduce a bill requiring every computer on the network to be powered, not by “liberal, Gore-loving electricity,” but by safe, dependable oil.

“My friends, let me ask you, do you know what the Internet really is?” McCain said to the crowd. As no one seemed to know, McCain then went on to talk about Social Security and Medicare.

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, Microsoft Corporation and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while Microsoft senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. Read the rest of this entry »

In an announcement that stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted the Unix operating system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate prank, kept alive over 20 years. Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:

“In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project. Brian and I had started work with an early release of Pascal from Professor Niklaus Wirth’s ETH labs in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished reading ‘Bored of the Rings’, a National Lampoon parody of the Tolkien’s ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy. Read the rest of this entry »

Another classic IBM iSeries advertisement. Where were these ads during the Superbowl?

:-) Smile
(-: User is left handed. 
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight. 
:*) User is drunk. 
[:] User is a robot. 
8-) User is wearing sunglasses. 
B:-) Sunglasses on head. 
::-) User wears normal glasses. 
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses. 
8:-) User is a little girl. 
:-)-8 User is a Big girl. 
:-{) User has a mustache. 
:-{} User wears lipstick. 
{:-) User wears a toupee. 
}:-( Toupee in an updraft. 
:-[ User is a vampire. 
:-E Bucktoothed vampire. 
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing. 
:-7 User juust made a wry statement. 
:-* User just ate something sour. 
:-)~ User drools. 
:-~) User has a cold.  Read the rest of this entry »

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and an RPG programmer sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam’s rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The RPG programmer leaned back in his chair, and with a sly smile responded, “Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?”

IBM cuts back on it’s advertising budget:

Dear AS/400 Geek,

The percent of used disk space on my iSeries keeps creeping higher and higher. Is there a simple way I can clean up my disk drives to reduce this percent?

A: Yes, the system has a very simple command that will significantly reduce the amount of disk storage used. An example of the command is:

CLRLIB LIB(*ALL)

This command may take a while to process but gives you a real bang for the buck. It will free up a great deal of storage space on your system’s hard drives. Have a nice day!