Washington DC - The AS/400 Geek, the creator of Mid-Deranged.Com, was recently kidnapped by masked gunmen. The kidnappers reportedly stormed Mr. Geek’s home and forced him to close down the Mid-Deranged.Com web site, then took him to an unknown location where he was held against his will.

Millions of fans gasped when they clicked on their favorite website and found it gone. A public outcry was heard to return the AS/400 Geek and his website.

Only after a daring escape was the AS/400 Geek able to return to freedom and pursue his warped pastime of poking fun of IBM and the AS/400. In a statement from the AS/400 Geek, he mentioned that he only got a glimpse of his captors and that they were wearing blue suits. There are few other leads for the police to go on.

The AS/400 Geek vows to rebuild the web site and defend his right to tell it like it really is.

A friend recently asked me what training it takes to work with the IBM AS/400. I gave a brief answer mentioning some college courses, some on-the-job training, and a long time in the school of hard knocks. But upon reflection, I realize that most of my training in the fundamental concepts of the AS/400 came from my mother.

When I was a baby, mother taught me about input buffering: “Don’t try to stuff all your food in your mouth at once. Leave it on your plate until you’re ready to eat it, and then take it in one mouthful at a time.”

She also taught me about processing the entire input buffer before going on to the next step: “Eat everything on your plate. Then you can have dessert.”

(It will occur to some readers that mother also taught me about output buffering, but I’d like to keep these meditations G-rated.)

When I was about 14, mother introduced the basic concept of CL (Control Language) programming in a note on the refrigerator door: “We’re going to have dinner at 6:00. You make it when you get home from school. The menu is pinned up on the bulletin board, the meat is in the refrigerator, and I’ve put the rest of the food out on the counter. Set an extra place - Uncle Jack is coming tonight.” Read the rest of this entry »

Dear AS/400 Geek,

How do I install software on my PC:

Answer: Follow these simple steps:

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
3.5 GHz Processor or Higher
Microsoft Windows Vista, Windows XP Professional or DOS 5.0
719.7 Terabytes of Free Disk Space
3,546 MB RAM
25,345 x 4,563 SVGA Display Adapter
with 256 MB Memory and True Color
Mouse, Trackball, Light Saber or other pointing device
CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, Blu-ray, Sting-ray, Gamma-ray or other ridiculously expensive media drive
Antilock Braking System
2 Turtle Doves
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a CD-ROM or DVD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:

“By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn’s early light,… finders keepers, losers weepers, …”

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.” Read the rest of this entry »

ARMONK, NY – IBM research labs today announced a breakthrough in the discovery of a new integer. The as-yet unnamed number has been positively located between seven and eight. Seven and eight had been thought to be consecutive for many years.

Early responses from IBM scientists indicate that there is going to be a lot of trouble caused by this discovery, and many fields are going to feel the impact. Some of the implications immediately noted include:

• A whole lot of numbers we thought were odd are, in fact, even.
• All those big primes on which we based all our encryption schemes are not prime at all.
• What do we call an octet now?

It appears that there is no corresponding negative integer, although there are still many groups who continue to look for new integers.

Historical Note: This is the first time in more than at least 175 years (probably a lot more) that a new integer has been found. There is no indication that the Romans knew of this number, they appear to have believed, curiously enough, that VIII followed VII!

IBM has not yet named this new integer pending application for international patent rights to this number. The implications of the granting of patent rights have created quite a stir among attorneys.

Today, Microsoft founder Bill Gates is entering retirement, signaling the end of an era for the corporation that brought us the Windows operating system. Through the years, Gates has been a veritable icon for the technology industry as his company helped usher the personal computer into a new, graphical-interfaced world.

It was in 1975 that Gates launched the company that would become the biggest name in computer software. His exit today has many wondering what the 52-year-old billionaire will do with his time.

The computer impresario, who revolutionized how the world uses PCs, says he’s looking forward to put his time into his real love, board games. He has wasted no time in his transition from Microsoft CEO to board game hawker with the introduction of Microsoft Monopoly. Watch the following infomercial as Mr. Gates introduced his new, innovative game:

Mountain View, CA — Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against the island of Java* over the use of Sun’s Java* trademark.

Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said “Yeah, and in all that time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the name.”

Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise. The country finally settled on a symbol for a name — a neatly-colored coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as “The Island Formerly Known As Java*”.

The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.

Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal papers for them…

———————————————————————-

*Java is a Trademark of Sun Microsystems, Inc. Anyone caught using the  trademark without permission will be beaten, flogged, sued, and forced  to use Microsoft products.

Rochester MN - With the recent news of IBM’s intent to acquire the Nintendo Corporation it was further annouced today another joint development effort between IBM and Nintendo. IBM is announcing the Network Boy, a small handheld device that communicates with your IBMii, System i  or AS/400 network via RF and allows the user to navigate the network using four simple buttons. It has a small display screen that sports a mini-GUI and runs the Mario/OS operating system. The advantages are simplicity, low cost, and zero training for the younger generation of users.

Washington DC -  Not long ago we all went through the Year 2000 crisis. If you were in the computer and software industry you recall the many headaches in converting and changing databases and software so the Year 2000 would be a smooth rollover. No one thought 20 years earlier that their software would still be around, but it was and the two digit year fields caused big problems.

Well, how do we know our software isn’t going to be around for the year 10,000? All our 4 digit year fields will have to be converted to 5 digit fields. It’s never too early to start planning for this major event.

What happens when the year 10,000 hits? Can your systems handle a year of 0000? Most systems will crash and burn if left unchanged. The task of converting every date and changing every program that uses date logic is huge. This is one project that has a deadline set in stone! It can’t be moved or missed! You need to start now in planning for the Year 10,000 Crisis.

Rochester, MN - As you know, IBM is a politically correct and an environmentally conscious company. Because of the success of the new System i and i on Power systems there has been a growing surplus of the old model AS/400s. With the concerns of overburdened landfills and in this age of recycling and protecting our environment, IBM has announced a new program for recycling these older AS/400s. The program is called RECYCLE/400. For a minimal fee IBM will take your old AS/400 and convert it to a useful product. You can choose from the following list:

1. Boat anchor
2. Coffin
3. Stereo component system rack
4. Gun cabinet
5. Security vault
6. Carnival fund raiser (10 wacks with a sledge hammer for $1)
7. Aquarium
8. Gym locker
9. Refrigerator
10. Shipping container for foreign aid
11. Slot machine
12. Rabbit cage
13. Planter box
14. Commercial oven (for bakery or pizza joint)
15. Hot dog vendor cart
16. Home shop work bench
17. Military practice target
18. Softdrink vending machine
19. Phone booth
20. Billiard table
21. Utility trailer
22. Retaining wall
23. Sauna
24. Wood burning stove
25. Tanning booth
26. Portable toilet
27. Garbage dumpster
28. Outdoor barbecue grill
29. Highway crash barrier

Contact your local IBM representative for details of this program.

Chicago, IL – COMMON user group president Randy Dufault has expressed concern at the increasingly low quality of people joining COMMON. He has decided to implement a new entrance exam required for all new applicants for membership into the group in hopes to weed out the undesirable. The exam questions are as follows:

1. What is twice the half of 1 3/7?
2. How many cubic feet of earth are there in a hole measuring 3’wide by 4’ long by 5’ deep?
3. Do you know how long cows should be milked?
4. Where was Queen Cleopatra’s temple?
5. In what month do Americans eat the least?
6. How many marbles can you put in an empty bag?
7. The produce manager at the local supermarket stands 6’ tall, has a 46” chest and wears size 13 shoes. What do you think he weighs?
8. If a duck came paddling down the Nile, where would it have come from?
9. How long will a seven-day grandfather clock run without winding?

Answers:

1. 1 3/7
2. There is no earth in a hole.
3. The same way that short cows are milked.
4. On the side of her forehead.
5. February; it has fewer days
6. One; after that it is not empty.
7. Apples, pears, potatoes, bananas, etc.
8. An egg.
9. Without winding it will run for no time at all.

ARMONK, NY - Samuel J. Palmisano let the cat out of the bag at the recent Annual IBM Stockholders Meeting held in Knoxville, Tennessee. He announced that IBM is in the process of acquiring Nintendo Corporation. In an attempt to shake the reputation that IBM sells old technology and to lure the younger generation to IBM products, IBM plans to merge the System i, the System p, and the Wii gaming console into a single product. Since each system already uses the PowerPC processor Mr. Palmisano said it was a no-brainer. The new product will be named the IBMii.

Power = i + p + wii

IBM Power Systems unifies IBM’s highly successful integrated platform, IBM System i™, with its fast growing UNIX operating system platform, IBM System p™ and with the wildly popular Nintendo Wii platform. Now you can take advantage of this single platform for all of your Wii, UNIX, Linux and i applications, with mission-critical virtualization provided by PowerVM™.

Mr. Palmisano remarked, “To truly understand how IBMii revolutionizes computing, you have to try it for yourself. Quite simply, IBMii is for everyone. The ease of use and interactivity of the IBMii Remote and Nunchuk allows for a unique social computing experience for the whole family. You don’t just play IBMii, you experience it. Taking a cue from the power equation in physics — where power equals the time rate of doing work with the time waste of doing play!”

Glendale, CA - Cocoa is a hot new programming language developed by Nestle Microsystems. The language was originally designed for programming hot chocolate machines but Nestle soon realized that the language had the potential to do much more. Because it is “architecture neutral” it can run on any device with a microchip including PCs, the System i, Cray computers, Coke machines, Timex watches, car stereos, TVs, DVD players, mobile phones and microwave ovens. You can literally surf the net and bake a potato at the same time! With the Cocoa Virtual Machine (CVM) on the System i it can run all Cocoa applets. Applets can be created using Visual Cocoa from Microsoft or VisualAge for Cocoa from IBM.

Nashville, TN – The 2008 Annual Meeting and Exposition of the COMMON user group took place in Nashville, Tennessee. The opening session began at 3:30 pm on Sunday and what a session that was! First the audience was welcomed by COMMON president Randy Dufault where he outlined the highlights of the coming week. Then he dropped the bombshell when he announced the keynote speaker would be none other than Bill Gates of Microsoft Corporation. This was a shock and surprise to most attendees.

Dufault explained that Mr. Gates was invited to speak to help bring the IBM Midrange world closer to the mainstream software industry by following the Microsoft software development model. His speech was entitled: Software Quality through Perception, Not Reality. His company of course produces a number of software products and is very experienced in the above topic. Some of the concepts covered were:

• Marketing your software before it’s completed (or ever started for that matter).
• Convincing users a software bug is a feature.
• Crushing the competition and still being able to sleep at night.
• Putting a pretty face on old, out-dated code and reselling it as a new product. (see Windows Vista)
• How to sell a software fix as an upgrade.

The speech was very enlightening. Of course the concepts presented will require a very different mindset among IBM i developers but at least they will all be perceived as better information systems developers because of it.

Rochester, MN - IBM yesterday said it would expand its efforts to address the growing global waste data disposal crisis by teaming up with Data Waste Management, Inc. Together the companies will jointly introduce new services, technologies and financing to help enterprises facing the skyrocketing costs of waste data disposal.

Throughout the world companies produce billions and billions of bytes of data every year. As the data has grown the challenge to dispose of waste data has increased. At first enterprises tried Database Management Systems, then DataMarts and now huge Data Warehouses to store the enormous amount of waste data. As new government mandates require “greener” waste data disposal, this new partnership will help organizations with this undertaking by offering information and technologies in the following areas:

· Basic data disposal

· Hazardous waste data disposal techniques

· Data recycling and reclamation

· Awareness of illegal data dumping

· Government and EPA rules on waste data storage and disposal

Dr. Zwilinsky R. Romonowski, CEO and head of this partnership, stated the first step for any organization is to sign up for their basic introductory service which will provide a data dumpster at your location with monthly pickup and disposal service. Dr. Zwilinsky projected the average company would be able to save at lease 40% in waste data disposal costs in the first year.

We don’t know which is more fun – to poke fun of Microsoft or IBM. What’s best is when they both are talked about in the same article. This was on the front page of the November 2000 issue of Midrange Technology Showcase. Enjoy.

Are you a latecomer to the Internet? Have you only recently upgraded from a green-screen 5250 terminal? Is the Internet a little intimidating to you? Don’t worry, you can become a Master of the Internet!

Cupertino, Cal. (AP) — Symantec issued an apology to Microsoft yesterday after the security software maker’s AntiVirus Research Center issued an alert for a “widespread and lethal virus known to cause system crashes and data loss” that turned out to be the Windows Vista operating system. Symantec CEO John Thompson called it a “regrettable but understandable” mistake.

We can’t help but poke fun of Microsoft and Bill Gates once in a while. Here is a video you will enjoy.

Rumors have abounded for years that the false religion of Microsoft, who touts that large parishes can be run using Windows servers, actually runs their organization using more than a few iSeries systems. The heathens have always officially denied it, but the rumors don’t go away. The story also goes that some time in the 1990’s they tried to replace their iSeries systems with 1,200 Windows servers in a year-long project that was eventually scrapped because A) they couldn’t process the data as fast as the iSeries and B) they had problems keeping so many servers operational.

If you have Windows XP then click this link (or cut and past it into an open browser window):
file:///C:/WINDOWS/Help/Tours/htmlTour/best_secure.htm
It’s a web page that exists on every Windows XP machine as part of the Windows introductory tour. Read the rest of this entry »

Now you can get a single-board nuclear reactor that supplies stand-by power for the IBM System i for 12 years! The QBX-1 nuclear reactor card provides back-up power for up to 12 years. When the card senses a power failure, explosive charges (bolts) eject moderator and control rods from the reactor interior, within 20 mmsec, bringing the reactor to its fully-rated output of 20 KW, in less than one millisecond! Over its 12-year active life, the reactor’s power decreases by 25%, to 15 KW.

Integral heat fans provide convection cooling of the reactor’s 500W power dissipation while the reactor is in “stand-by” position. If your computer cannot furnish the 400 cubic feet per second of forced air for cooling, consider buying IBM’s heavy-water cooling jacket and stainless steel pump module, which fits conveniently next to your System i. Latches on each side of the reactor module let you quickly swap the radioactive core, should you need to replace it. An optional circular viewing port of lead glass lets you view the reactor’s internal assemblies, and also functions as a 10-million candlepower nightlight. Read the rest of this entry »

To compete in today’s competitive developer’s arena the modern System i developer needs to acquire the work habits of software developers from other platforms such as Linux, Unix and Windows. This training video will help you learn these subtle work habits:

A new aid to rapid, almost magical, learning has made its appearance. Indications are such that, if it catches on, all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk. The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The developers usually call it by its initials, BOOK(tm).

Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids which most people are using today. It has no wires or electric circuits to break down. No connection is needed to an electrical power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts that could go bad or need replacement.

Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used in any standing or sitting positing. For example, it can be used while sitting in an armchair by the fire. Read the rest of this entry »

In a press conference early this morning, the former CEO of Novell, Robert Frankenberg revealed that Novell and Microsoft had been working together for years to increase Microsoft’s dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsoft’s major competitors in the software industry and ruining them.

The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Frankenberg. “[Digital Research's] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. Microsoft couldn’t even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when they first contacted Novell.” Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system. Read the rest of this entry »

Apparently IBM has embraced Second Life in a big way for its worldwide network of employees. (See IBM eyes move into Second Life ‘v-business’) This video gives an interesting look at what IBM’s strategy is with Second Life:

Apple Computer purchased a Cray supercomputer in the mid-1980s. In fact, Steve Jobs was Cray’s first and only walk-in customer. He arrived unannounced (so the story goes) at Cray headquarters in Mendota Heights, Minnesota and asked to speak to someone about buying a Cray. They nearly threw him out. It’s only slightly less eccentric than someone walking into NASA’s Johnson Space Center and inquiring how to purchase a shuttle orbiter.

Later, Cray’s president John Rollwagen phoned Cray’s CEO Seymour Cray and told him that Apple had just purchased a Cray that would be used in designing the next Macintosh. Seymour thought for a bit, and replied that that seemed reasonable, since he was using a Macintosh to design the next Cray!