Dear AS/400 Geek,

I am a System i programmer with 1 year experience and I work for a large company with over 30 programmers.  I don’t seem to be taken seriously by my peers or my boss.  What can I do to enhance my career advancement opportunities within my company and to achieve credibility with the other programmers?

Answer: If you want others to feel that you are a “real” programmer and know what you are doing then you must look and act like a real programmer looks and acts.  Did you see the movie Jurassic Park?  The rogue programmer who caused all the trouble - now there is a real programmer.  First of all you need to make your programmer station look like his did.  Empty cans of Jolt Cola, old dinners, candy bars, Dorito bags and empty pizza cartons are a good start.  You want your boss to think you live at work and have no other social life.  You should also have clothes that are  wrinkled and ill-fitting, large eyeglasses, and messed up hair.  (See Bill Gates)  Having program listings and open manuals all over your desk helps and whatever you do, don’t document your software - very unprofessional.  When you speak to users use only computer terms they don’t know.  There are many other tips I could give but these should get you started on the road to success.  Good luck!

Dear AS/400 Geek,

The percent of used disk space on my iSeries keeps creeping higher and higher. Is there a simple way I can clean up my disk drives to reduce this percent?

A: Yes, the system has a very simple command that will significantly reduce the amount of disk storage used. An example of the command is:

CLRLIB LIB(*ALL)

This command may take a while to process but gives you a real bang for the buck. It will free up a great deal of storage space on your system’s hard drives. Have a nice day!

Dear AS/400 Geek,

How do I install software on my PC:

Answer: Follow these simple steps:

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
3.5 GHz Processor or Higher
Microsoft Windows Vista, Windows XP Professional or DOS 5.0
719.7 Terabytes of Free Disk Space
3,546 MB RAM
25,345 x 4,563 SVGA Display Adapter
with 256 MB Memory and True Color
Mouse, Trackball, Light Saber or other pointing device
CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, Blu-ray, Sting-ray, Gamma-ray or other ridiculously expensive media drive
Antilock Braking System
2 Turtle Doves
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a CD-ROM or DVD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:

“By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn’s early light,… finders keepers, losers weepers, …”

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.” Read the rest of this entry »

Dear AS/400 Geek,

Several months ago I upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.  I also recently noticed that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.  No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. I’m finding that some applications such as PokerNight 1.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.  HELP! What do I need to do to straighten this mess out?
 
Answer: Just be patient.  Wife 2.0 is now in Beta and should be released soon.  Some features that will be included in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

- A “Don’t remind me again” button
- A Minimize button
- A clickable “no-sound” feature under Options
- An uninstall shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first.  Another annoying problem - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-uninstallation.