Google in 2084:

Related Posts

• October 6, 2008 — Computer Quotes (0)
• September 3, 2008 — McCain Pledges Republican Internet If Elected (0)
• August 7, 2008 — The Boardroom - “Covered” (1)
• August 4, 2008 — Smileys (0)
• July 30, 2008 — The Oldest Profession (0)

Related Posts

• September 1, 2008 — Microsoft Acquires the Catholic Church (2)
• August 11, 2008 — Convert Your PC Laptop to an Apple MacBook! (2)
• August 5, 2008 — IBM Announces Replacement for i5/OS (3)
• July 25, 2008 — New World Order (5)
• July 19, 2008 — The Tale of the IBM vs. Microsoft Programmers (3)

Related Posts

• August 7, 2008 — The Boardroom - “Covered” (1)
• July 26, 2008 — System i Mythbreakers (0)
• July 22, 2008 — Classic IBM Commercial - It Does Exist (0)
• July 17, 2008 — Classic IBM Commercial - The Laughing Boardroom (1)
• June 3, 2008 — IBM and Second Life (0)

Rochester

It was designed to help enterprises, governments and empires deploy the most cost effective and flexible IT infrastructure while achieving the industry’s best application performance. As the most powerful member of the IBM Power™ Systems family, this server provides exceptional performance and massive scalability. It’s full range of complex, mission-critical applications include:

• Large-scale transaction processing
• Massive-scale server consolidation
• Ultra-high bandwidth communications
• Super-advanced data mining and warehousing
• Small planetary systems destruction

At 900 km (550 miles) in diameter, the IBM Power 995 must be deployed in a low-earth orbit and requires a 12-year lead time before orders of this product become operational.

Equipped with ultra-high frequency IBM POWER9™ processors in up to 1000-core, multiprocessing (SMP) configurations, the Power 995 server can scale rapidly and seamlessly to address the changing needs of today’s empires. It can seamlessly consolidate millions of UNIX®, IBM i (formerly known as i5/OS®) and Linux® application workloads onto a single system.

Powered by an array of 12 nuclear reactors generating up to 25 gigawatts of power, the IBM Power 995 can run continuously for 97 years.

With extraordinary power, proven IBM technology and expansive growth potential, the Power 995 server is ready to take your empire to the next level. Contact your local IBM representative today to place your order!

Related Posts

• July 27, 2008 — AS/6000 to Replace AS/400 & RS/6000 (2)
• August 13, 2008 — Real Manufacturer of the Batmobile Revealed (0)
• August 5, 2008 — IBM Announces Replacement for i5/OS (3)
• July 31, 2008 — IBM Global Services Going Green (0)
• July 29, 2008 — IBM Power Systems Reset Button (0)

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. — Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. — Emo Philips

There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson

640K ought to be enough for anybody. — Bill Gates, 1981

Applying modern technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound the correct screw. — Author Unknown

As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the internet. — Vice President Al Gore to Katie Couric, March 1999

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. — Fred Dales, Microsoft, Redmond, Washington

Automation is a technological process that does all the work while you just sit there. When you were younger, this was called “Mother”. — Author Unknown

Backups? We don’t need to backup our hard drives. The Government has a copy of them. — Author Unknown

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. — Dave Barry

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up. — James Magary

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. — Popular Mechanics, 1949

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don’t need to be done. — Andy Rooney

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. — Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. — Albert Einstein

Everything that can be invented has been invented. — Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1891

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. — Author Unknown

I don’t understand all I know about this thing. — Joe May

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year. — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

Imagine what life would be like if your refrigerator were as reliable as your computer and its software. — Author Unknown

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning. — Rich Cook

So we went to Atari and said, “Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.” And they said, “No.” So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, “Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.” — Apple Computer founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer

The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents. — Anonymous

There are 3 types of people in the world; those who understand Binary and those who don’t. — Author Unknown

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don’t eat much. — Lorenzo

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. — Ken Olson, President & Founder, Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

When the computer asks you, “Are you sure?”, ponder for a moment. — Secretary

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? — Author Unknown

Working in an office with an array of electronic devices is like trying to get something done at home with half a dozen small children around. The calls for attention are constant. — Marilyn vos Savant

You can go and find a mailbox right now, open the door to a tin box - tin door, no lock - with unencrypted information in English, sealed in a paper-thin envelope with spit, yet people are worried about online privacy. — Scott McNeely, CEO, Sun Microsystems

“Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.”

“Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything’s going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You’ll be forced to patch the code (admit you’re wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end.”

“Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.” - Linus Torvalds

“If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.”

“It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.”

“I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: ‘Outlook not so good’. I said: ‘Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway’.”

“The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.”
 
“The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.”

“Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.”

“The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.”

Related Posts

• November 5, 2008 — Google in the Past, Google in the Future (0)
• August 7, 2008 — The Boardroom - “Covered” (1)
• August 4, 2008 — Smileys (0)

I am a System i programmer with 1 year experience and I work for a large company with over 30 programmers.  I don’t seem to be taken seriously by my peers or my boss.  What can I do to enhance my career advancement opportunities within my company and to achieve credibility with the other programmers?

Answer: If you want others to feel that you are a “real” programmer and know what you are doing then you must look and act like a real programmer looks and acts.  Did you see the movie Jurassic Park?  The rogue programmer who caused all the trouble - now there is a real programmer.  First of all you need to make your programmer station look like his did.  Empty cans of Jolt Cola, old dinners, candy bars, Dorito bags and empty pizza cartons are a good start.  You want your boss to think you live at work and have no other social life.  You should also have clothes that are  wrinkled and ill-fitting, large eyeglasses, and messed up hair.  (See Bill Gates)  Having program listings and open manuals all over your desk helps and whatever you do, don’t document your software - very unprofessional.  When you speak to users use only computer terms they don’t know.  There are many other tips I could give but these should get you started on the road to success.  Good luck!

Related Posts

• June 8, 2008 — The Modern System i Developer Training Video (2)
• August 21, 2008 — Creators Admit Unix and C Language Hoax (0)
• July 30, 2008 — The Oldest Profession (0)
• July 25, 2008 — Ask the AS/400 Geek (1)
• July 19, 2008 — The Tale of the IBM vs. Microsoft Programmers (3)

Speaking at the GOP national convention, McCain also promised to introduce a bill requiring every computer on the network to be powered, not by “liberal, Gore-loving electricity,” but by safe, dependable oil.

“My friends, let me ask you, do you know what the Internet really is?” McCain said to the crowd. As no one seemed to know, McCain then went on to talk about Social Security and Medicare.

Related Posts

• November 5, 2008 — Google in the Past, Google in the Future (0)
• July 29, 2008 — IBM Power Systems Reset Button (0)
• July 27, 2008 — AS/6000 to Replace AS/400 & RS/6000 (2)
• July 11, 2008 — AS/400 Geek Kidnapped, Narrowly Escapes! (5)
• June 24, 2008 — Preparing for the Year 10,000 Crisis (0)

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while Microsoft senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.

“We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.”

Through the Microsoft Network, the company’s new on-line service, “We will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time” and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. “You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution - even reduce your time in Purgatory - all without leaving your home.”

The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Bible. “The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,” said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. “You take the parting of the Red Sea - we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.” But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. “The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience,” notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan.

Gates described Microsoft’s long-term strategy to develop a scaleable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired. “One religion, a couple of different implementations,” said Gates.

Related Posts

• October 19, 2008 — It Was Inevitable (0)
• July 25, 2008 — New World Order (5)
• July 19, 2008 — The Tale of the IBM vs. Microsoft Programmers (3)
• June 27, 2008 — Microsoft Monopoly (0)
• June 18, 2008 — Bombshell Dropped at COMMON – Bill Gates Keynote Speaker (0)

“In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project. Brian and I had started work with an early release of Pascal from Professor Niklaus Wirth’s ETH labs in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished reading ‘Bored of the Rings’, a National Lampoon parody of the Tolkien’s ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy.

As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new OS to be as complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users’ frustration levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more risque allusions. We sold the terse command language to novitiates by telling them that it saved them typing.”

Then Dennis and Brian worked on a warped version of Pascal, called ‘A’. ‘A’ looked a lot like Pascal, but elevated the notion of the direct memory address (which Wirth had banished) to the central concept of the language. This was Dennis’s contribution, and he in fact coined the term “pointer” as an innocuous sounding name for a truly malevolent construct.

Brian must be credited with the idea of having absolutely no standard I/O specification: this ensured that at least 50% of the typical commercial program would have to be recoded when changing hardware platforms. Brian was also responsible for pitching this lack of I/O as a feature: it allowed us to describe the language as “truly portable”.

When we found others were actually creating real programs with A, we removed compulsory type-checking on function arguments. Later, we added a notion we called “casting”: this allowed the programmer to treat an integer as though it were a 50k user-defined structure. When we found that some programmers were simply not using pointers, we eliminated the ability to pass structures to functions, enforcing their use in even the Simplest applications.

We sold this, and many other features, as enhancements to the efficiency of the language. In this way, our prank evolved into B, BCPL, and finally C.  We stopped when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:

for (;P(”\n”),R-;P(”|”))for(e=3DC;e
;P(”_”+(*u++/8)%2))P(”|”+(*u/4)%2);

At one time, we joked about selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science progress back 20 or more years. Unfortunately, AT&T and other US corporations actually began using Unix and C. We decided we’d better keep mum, assuming it was just a passing phase. In fact, it’s taken US companies over 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate useful applications using this 1960’s technological parody.

We are impressed with the tenacity of the general Unix and C programmer. In fact, Brian, Dennis and I have never ourselves attempted to write a commercial application in this environment. We feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly awesome programming projects that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago.” 

Dennis Ritchie said: “What really tore it (just when AIDA was catching on), was that Bjarne Stroustrup caught onto our joke. He extended it to further parody, Smalltalk. Like us, he was caught by surprise when nobody laughed. So he added multiple inheritance, virtual base classes, and later … templates. All to no avail. So we now have compilers that can compile 100,000 lines per second, but need to process header files for 25 minutes before they get to the meat of “Hello, World”.

Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused to comment on the announcement. Officials of Borland International, a leading vendor of object-oriented tools, including Turbo Pascal and Borland C++, stated they suspected this for a couple of years.

In fact, the notoriously late Quattro Pro for Windows was originally written in C++. Borland CEO Del Yocam said: “I’m told that, after two and a half years of programming, and massive programmer burn-out, we recoded the whole thing in Turbo Pascal in three months. It’s fair to say that Turbo Pascal saved our bacon back then”. Another Borland spokesman said that they would continue to enhance their Pascal products, and halt further efforts to develop C/C++.

Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, cryptically said “P.T. Barnum was right.” He had no further comments.

Related Posts

• June 19, 2008 — Cocoa for the System i (2)
• September 9, 2008 — Ask the AS/400 Geek (0)
• July 30, 2008 — The Oldest Profession (0)
• July 19, 2008 — The Tale of the IBM vs. Microsoft Programmers (3)
• July 3, 2008 — Ask the AS/400 Geek (0)

Luxor

In an exclusive interview with Mid-Deranged, SCA chief Zahi Hawass, the world’s most renowned Egyptologist, offered the following perspective: “Why is this discovery important? Because it answers so many questions of how the Egyptians were able to do what they have done. Everyone thought the Egyptians had some kind of magical power and now we find this data center in the Valley of the Kings. It was found seven meters away from King Tut! This area has been excavated before and yet we missed this site. What a discovery. So many things about the Egyptian civilization now make sense.”

Otto Schaden, leader of the team that uncovered the find, generally agrees with Hawass’ assessment. Standing in front of the site, Schaden told Mid-Deranged, “For all we know, there may be a S/370 buried here. Who knows? You can speculate endlessly.”

The find will be studied for some time before before all the answers are known. One of the most fortunate discoveries that will help in the research is the fact that the ancient AS/400 fired right up when power was applied to it. Data retrieval is currently underway. Hopefully preliminary results will be available soon.

Related Posts

• October 9, 2008 — IBM Announces the new Power 995 Server (2)
• August 13, 2008 — Real Manufacturer of the Batmobile Revealed (0)
• August 5, 2008 — IBM Announces Replacement for i5/OS (3)
• July 31, 2008 — IBM Global Services Going Green (0)
• July 29, 2008 — IBM Power Systems Reset Button (0)