As much as I like to make fun of IBM and the Midrange world, I know that the AS/400 (System i or whatever you want to call it) is the best machine on the planet, having used it for 20 years without so much as a hiccup. Here is a great IBM commercial that illustrates how I feel:

If you like that one, you will love this one:

Warning Notice M.U.D-1

On the 22nd of June, 2008 the computing world was rocked by the horror of a new computer-originated illness and the life it claimed. Eldred Squires, a 26 year old Operator/Administrator at a major California Chemical Company was the first victim. At approximately 9:03 am, Squires logged into his personal account and sent some email to a friend at a remote site. Logging out, he then proceeded to log into the operator account to clean up some problematic printing queues. Following this, he logged out and logged into a test account to check that his print queues were accepting data from normal users. Finding that all was well, he logged out then logged into the root account to create a new username to receive helpdesk mail, not realizing the mortal danger he was in. Wanting to test this new username, he logged out from root and proceeded to login to his new account. Barely three letters into his twelve letter alphanumeric password, he slumped forward across his keyboard, dead.

Investigators, on arriving at the scene could find no reason for his death and elected to wait for further information from the outcome of the Autopsy.

The Autopsy revealed that the victim’s cerebral cortex suffered damage consistent with heating of the brain to approximately 120 degrees Celsius. Still no nearer to the solution of the death, Computer and Workplace Safety Officers decided to recreate, using accounting logs and user audits, the circumstances leading up to the tragedy. Shielding the testing officer from the equipment with leaded glass, the team commenced their tests. Within five minutes, another victim lay sprawled across the keyboard, a fine patina of sweat on their brow. Read the rest of this entry »

Washington DC - The AS/400 Geek, the creator of Mid-Deranged.Com, was recently kidnapped by masked gunmen. The kidnappers reportedly stormed Mr. Geek’s home and forced him to close down the Mid-Deranged.Com web site, then took him to an unknown location where he was held against his will.

Millions of fans gasped when they clicked on their favorite website and found it gone. A public outcry was heard to return the AS/400 Geek and his website.

Only after a daring escape was the AS/400 Geek able to return to freedom and pursue his warped pastime of poking fun of IBM and the AS/400. In a statement from the AS/400 Geek, he mentioned that he only got a glimpse of his captors and that they were wearing blue suits. There are few other leads for the police to go on.

The AS/400 Geek vows to rebuild the web site and defend his right to tell it like it really is.

A friend recently asked me what training it takes to work with the IBM AS/400. I gave a brief answer mentioning some college courses, some on-the-job training, and a long time in the school of hard knocks. But upon reflection, I realize that most of my training in the fundamental concepts of the AS/400 came from my mother.

When I was a baby, mother taught me about input buffering: “Don’t try to stuff all your food in your mouth at once. Leave it on your plate until you’re ready to eat it, and then take it in one mouthful at a time.”

She also taught me about processing the entire input buffer before going on to the next step: “Eat everything on your plate. Then you can have dessert.”

(It will occur to some readers that mother also taught me about output buffering, but I’d like to keep these meditations G-rated.)

When I was about 14, mother introduced the basic concept of CL (Control Language) programming in a note on the refrigerator door: “We’re going to have dinner at 6:00. You make it when you get home from school. The menu is pinned up on the bulletin board, the meat is in the refrigerator, and I’ve put the rest of the food out on the counter. Set an extra place - Uncle Jack is coming tonight.” Read the rest of this entry »

Dear AS/400 Geek,

How do I install software on my PC:

Answer: Follow these simple steps:

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
3.5 GHz Processor or Higher
Microsoft Windows Vista, Windows XP Professional or DOS 5.0
719.7 Terabytes of Free Disk Space
3,546 MB RAM
25,345 x 4,563 SVGA Display Adapter
with 256 MB Memory and True Color
Mouse, Trackball, Light Saber or other pointing device
CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, Blu-ray, Sting-ray, Gamma-ray or other ridiculously expensive media drive
Antilock Braking System
2 Turtle Doves
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a CD-ROM or DVD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:

“By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn’s early light,… finders keepers, losers weepers, …”

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.” Read the rest of this entry »

ARMONK, NY – IBM research labs today announced a breakthrough in the discovery of a new integer. The as-yet unnamed number has been positively located between seven and eight. Seven and eight had been thought to be consecutive for many years.

Early responses from IBM scientists indicate that there is going to be a lot of trouble caused by this discovery, and many fields are going to feel the impact. Some of the implications immediately noted include:

• A whole lot of numbers we thought were odd are, in fact, even.
• All those big primes on which we based all our encryption schemes are not prime at all.
• What do we call an octet now?

It appears that there is no corresponding negative integer, although there are still many groups who continue to look for new integers.

Historical Note: This is the first time in more than at least 175 years (probably a lot more) that a new integer has been found. There is no indication that the Romans knew of this number, they appear to have believed, curiously enough, that VIII followed VII!

IBM has not yet named this new integer pending application for international patent rights to this number. The implications of the granting of patent rights have created quite a stir among attorneys.

Today, Microsoft founder Bill Gates is entering retirement, signaling the end of an era for the corporation that brought us the Windows operating system. Through the years, Gates has been a veritable icon for the technology industry as his company helped usher the personal computer into a new, graphical-interfaced world.

It was in 1975 that Gates launched the company that would become the biggest name in computer software. His exit today has many wondering what the 52-year-old billionaire will do with his time.

The computer impresario, who revolutionized how the world uses PCs, says he’s looking forward to put his time into his real love, board games. He has wasted no time in his transition from Microsoft CEO to board game hawker with the introduction of Microsoft Monopoly. Watch the following infomercial as Mr. Gates introduced his new, innovative game:

Mountain View, CA — Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against the island of Java* over the use of Sun’s Java* trademark.

Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said “Yeah, and in all that time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the name.”

Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise. The country finally settled on a symbol for a name — a neatly-colored coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as “The Island Formerly Known As Java*”.

The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.

Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal papers for them…

———————————————————————-

*Java is a Trademark of Sun Microsystems, Inc. Anyone caught using the  trademark without permission will be beaten, flogged, sued, and forced  to use Microsoft products.

Rochester MN - With the recent news of IBM’s intent to acquire the Nintendo Corporation it was further annouced today another joint development effort between IBM and Nintendo. IBM is announcing the Network Boy, a small handheld device that communicates with your IBMii, System i  or AS/400 network via RF and allows the user to navigate the network using four simple buttons. It has a small display screen that sports a mini-GUI and runs the Mario/OS operating system. The advantages are simplicity, low cost, and zero training for the younger generation of users.

Washington DC -  Not long ago we all went through the Year 2000 crisis. If you were in the computer and software industry you recall the many headaches in converting and changing databases and software so the Year 2000 would be a smooth rollover. No one thought 20 years earlier that their software would still be around, but it was and the two digit year fields caused big problems.

Well, how do we know our software isn’t going to be around for the year 10,000? All our 4 digit year fields will have to be converted to 5 digit fields. It’s never too early to start planning for this major event.

What happens when the year 10,000 hits? Can your systems handle a year of 0000? Most systems will crash and burn if left unchanged. The task of converting every date and changing every program that uses date logic is huge. This is one project that has a deadline set in stone! It can’t be moved or missed! You need to start now in planning for the Year 10,000 Crisis.